Can’t understand your man? He could he’s speaking ‘Menglish’ (but here’s how you can be fluent too).
If you’ve often thought that you and your partner seem to be speaking completely different languages, then you might be right.
Now British relationship coach Julie-Anne Shapiro has used the word ‘Menglish’ to illustrate how differently the sexes think and hear things.
She claims that men and women do have their own unique languages which sometimes make it feel as if they are on different planets.
But rather than just continuing feeling as if you are banging your head against a brick wall, she suggests ten steps which will help you perfect your ‘Menglish’.
If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner, he could be because he’s speaking ‘Menglish’
‘If you can learn to respond and communicate in a certain way then it’s going to be beneficial for everyone,’ said Julie-Anne. ‘Women find that they are more likely to get what they want if they know how to communicate with their guy and men also find it useful to know that women to talk in a different way from them.
‘It’s just about raising awareness all round so each side can have a bit more patience and understanding towards their partners.’
Julie-Anne set up her dating consultancy Magnetizing Love after spending years trying to meet someone.
‘I decided that I’d do whatever it took, so I did as much research as possible, tried everything I could and even moved to New York,’ she says. ‘I set myself a deadline of the end of 2009 and ended up meeting my future husband Gary on the 23rd December 2009. We were married within six months.’
Gary and Julie-Anne now live together in Los Angeles.
Be receptive and confident: Menglish explained
1. Don’t expect your man to multitask.
Don’t talk to him about important things or your relationship when he is doing something else. The likelihood is he won’t pay attention and you will take it personally and get upset. It’s not that he’s not interested, but just that he works best by focusing on one thing at a time and giving it his full attention.
Solution: Be patient. Wait until he’s finished what he is doing and then talk to him so his full attention will be on you.
2. Remember the 30 second rule.
If you ask a man for his opinion or how he feels he is likely to take his time to answer. Women are mostly run by their feelings and can usually express them easily but a man holds a whole well of information and feelings but he doesn’t express it in the same way.
Solution: Ask him a question then wait 30 seconds for him to answer. During this 30 seconds say nothing. Don’t make suggestions, don’t try to hurry him along and definitely don’t interrupt or talk over him.
You will usually find that by the end of the 30 seconds he will start to talk – this is the time to listen with no interrupting.
Once he trusts that you are not going to interrupt him, talk over him or tell him what to say, he will express more and more to you, including how he feels.
Lack of communication can mean a minor disagreement can turn into a major argument
3. Men are problem solvers.
It can be frustrating when you tell your man about your bad day and he starts telling you how to fix it and what you can do about It, when all you want is for him to listen to you.
While a woman finds huge relief in talking and talking, men are problem solvers – that’s what they do. They see you are upset and they want to solve it to make you happy.
Solution: Before you launch into how bad your day was, explain to your man that you would like him simply to listen while you vent. If you would like him to say anything or help you solve anything, let him know. You’ll find he gives his full attention to listening and you feel loved, heard and relieved.
4. Men have limited capacity for detail.
Women see details. Men on the other hand focus on the facts and get to the point.
So when you start telling him all of the details of your day, you can only keep his attention for so long. He is listening for the main point and if it’s too long before you get to it, a man will find it almost torturous which is when he starts to withdraw from the conversation.
Pillow talk: learning how to communicate properly with your partner can lead to all sorts of benefits
Solution: Get to the point! Save all the details for your girlfriends. Realize that your man isn’t being rude, he is simply being a man. He is interested in what you are saying and wants to hear it but he simply needs less detail so that he can fully engage.
5. Don’t expect your man to magically know what you need.
Your man is not a mind reader. It is not his responsibility to automatically know what you need but it is your responsibility to ask. If you don’t ask, the chances are your man won’t know and won’t give it to you, or he may try to guess what you need and get it wrong which then makes you upset and frustrated.
Solution: First, be sure to know what you need yourself. The more specific you can be the better. Men are very logical and respond best to clear, specific information so avoid being vague.
So for example, let’s say you would like more affection. Rather than saying ‘I would like more affection’ you might say: ‘Please would you give me a hug every morning before you go to work.’
6. Men thrive on appreciation.
When a man does things for you and you don’t appreciate him, you criticize his efforts or you complain, a man feels disheartened.
You then wonder why he doesn’t enthusiastically want to continue trying to please you and you feel hurt.
Solution: Appreciate what he does for you even if it’s not quite what you want. If you need something else be clear and specific.
The more you appreciate your man, the more he’ll want to give to you.
7. Men are providers.
Men are natural providers and need to know what they provide for you. Let’s say your man gives you something and you seem to like it but don’t tell him why, he may well forget to provide it again.
Solution: As part of telling him how much you appreciate him, tell your man specifically what he provided or will provide for you. For example: ‘When you hug me and stroke my hair, I feel totally safe and loved.’
8. Men need you to be receptive.
When your man tries to give you something, whether it’s a compliment or he wants to do something for you and you won’t let him, he feels sad and even crushed. You may wonder why you don’t seem to get what you need, perhaps not realizing that you are pushing him away.
Solution: Allow him to carry your suitcase, open a door for you or run your bath. You can make some suggestions of the things you would like, but allow him to choose from your suggestions.
Let him surprise you and be receptive to his ideas too. He’ll simply love surprising you and making you smile.
9. Men want to make you happy.
Men are all about winning and your man needs to know that he can win at making you happy. If he sees you sad, complaining, criticizing him and constantly unhappy, eventually he will give up and think that another man can do a better job. You are left wondering where it all went wrong.
Solution: Start to trust that your man really does want to make you happy. Your trust will make him be a better man for you. Focus on and tell him the things you appreciate about him and what he provides for you. Ask for what you need in clear, simple and specific terms. And smile!
10. Confidence, the number one quality a man looks for in his ideal woman
Your man feels genuinely sad when he sees you beating yourself up or saying how fat your stomach is, how frizzy or flat your hair is, or how you wish you were slimmer, fitter, younger or more attractive. He sees you as beautiful, lovable woman – that’s why he’s with you.
Solution: Be confident in who you are. If there are things you would like to change, do so because you love yourself so much that you’re worth it.
When you know your worth you are incredibly attractive to your man and he’ll find you totally irresistible.
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